Services of Distinction Blog

R.O.G.B.I.V.???? Huh?

2010-11-07T05:51:00.000-08:00

I can say now that I had very creative teachers when I was in school. (Of course, you couldn't tell me that when I was IN school, but the things that stick with me nowadays tend to indicate that most of my teachers were worth more than they were likely paid and the knowledge they imparted with me was effective.) I can usually remember a clever jingle I heard somewhere too and that is helping me teach my children the facts now as well. But..I digress....I am pointing specifically to the fact that I remember ACRONYMS like it's nobody's business! For example--HOMES, MABEL, and ROYGBIV! My title post---does anybody have a clue? Well, it is meant to help one recall the order of the colors of the spectrum--or a rainbow: RED, ORANGE, YELLOW, GREEN, BLUE INDIGO, VIOLET--thus...ROYGBIV!

SO what on earth does that have to do with weddings and being an officiant? Well, I was thinking of vibrant colors this morning after having had the pleasure of officiating at an elopement ceremony yesterday so I'll tell ya....

For centuries, common American brides did NOT wear "virginal" white dresses. They wore their "Sunday best" or they chose a smart suit in later years. Almost always there was some kind of "headpiece" involved and it was rarely a veil. Then it evolved into more "fancy" dresses like they wore in France and those oh-so-attractive bustles that made your booty look like you were smuggling something into somewhere where it wasn't supposed to be. Eventually, the established "Christian" churches in our nation decided to lay down the law about what was "proper" and "respectful" and they put their noses into the fashion world unintentionally and turned the world upside down by requiring women to dress as if they were declaring their virginity by wearing WHITE. (Now, technically white is NOT a color so...)

The fashion houses on Seventh Avenue all trucked out their greatest designs and the tradition of white wedding dresses trickled down into mainstream America. A good deal of brides have worn white or ivory--even if it was not their best look ever. It's just how things have been done and, likely, will be done for many years to come. BUT....there's a new trend on the horizon and perhaps you'll be a part of it?!!!

I had a bride once too nervous to ask me (who was standing there in BLACK--NOT a color again...) if what she was wearing was alright. Huh? Of course it is silly, why wouldn't it be? Well, it seems that she was concerned that the fuschia 50's style peplum skirt with skulls on it was a bit risque in her mother's mind and she was worried I wouldn't marry them because of it. Or the other Bride who was worried that the black and white leftover prom dress she picked up from the thrift store wouldn't be decent enough. I have had women being married in hospital chapels or even at their own bedside try and force themselves into a white gown because they wanted to "look decent". Time to get over that one ladies and gents. I give you ROYGBIV and ask you to fully embrace him if that's what floats your boat!

Here is the text of a lovely article I read recently on CNN online.

"Bride Bucks Tradition and Ditch the White Dress" by Stephanie Goldberg

A bride should look and feel her best, said Ariel Meadow Stallings who wore a green dress on her big day.

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

Colored wedding dresses are gaining popularity with couture designers, a source says
Gowns in blush, ice blue, gray, latte and red have shown up on the runway
"Nobody orders white anymore. It's kind of a faux pas," a source says

RELATED TOPICS

(CNN) -- Instead of trying to fit a certain mold, Ariel Meadow Stallings cut up a lime-green prom dress she found on eBay, and paired it with an iridescent blue corset.

After all, it was her wedding day. She wanted to look and feel her best. "And that means wanting to wear the color you feel best compliments your skin tone and your hair," she said.

While most brides aren't ready to walk down the aisle in anything more colorful than ivory, bridal consultant Susan Rogers said the wedding industry is slowly changing its tune.

"In the last 10 to 15 years, everything went from white to ivory," Rogers said. "I think they figured out that everyone really didn't look good in white. ... Nobody orders white anymore. It's kind of a faux pas."

And though lime green dresses like Stallings probably won't be popping up in bridal boutiques this season, designers have begun playing with colors like blush, ice blue, gray, latte -- a member of the beige family -- and even red.

"People are starting to open up their minds a bit," Rogers said. "It takes a certain bride -- usually a second wedding. They've already done the white, traditional gown. They don't want to feel like a first-time bride."

Susie Collins wore a royal blue dress the second time around. Collins was 21 when she married the first time. "My mother planned it. ... It wasn't me. I was just going along with tradition," she said. "A lot of people get caught up in that ... and then it's not a happy day for them."

In the first half of 2010, the average cost of a wedding increased 21.9 percent to $23,867, according to WE TV's wedding report.

Rogers said she sees brides bullied into choosing traditional wedding gowns all the time at Impressions, the boutique she works at in Atlanta, Georgia.

It's picking up a wedding magazine and saying, 'this isn't me'
--Ariel Meadow Stallings

"Being here in the South, people are still very, very traditional," she said. "There's huge pressure in what mom says."

But a lot of young brides "are just looking for something non-traditional," she said.

One bride who didn't see herself in "cookie-cutter-land" is Carolyn Gerin. In fact, Gerin saw herself as the "anti-bride," which also happens to be the name of her book series and website about "tying the knot outside of the box."

"[White] is universally hard to wear for so many body and skin types," she said. "And the average American bride is older now. ... The whole 'I'm a virgin and I'm wearing white' [thing] is kind of silly now."

Gerin, who paired a silk and chiffon, midnight blue wedding dress with a black coat, said being an anti-bride isn't "just about dressing up and being different. It's about channeling your lifestyle. ... And if you really want a super-traditional kind of wedding -- it's all about you."

Of course, there's no rule that says a wedding needs to fit into one category or the other.

"Most of the people we've worked with take tradition and do it with a twist," said Natalie Bradley of brideattraction.com. "A lot of people like to embrace tradition to an extent because people are comfortable with it, but they want to make it theirs."

Bradley said one bride reached that happy medium by wearing a white dress during the ceremony and changing into a red dress for the reception.

There are other options for brides who don't have the means to purchase more than one gown.

BreeAnn Gale of Pink Blossom Events said she's had clients who've chosen to add color to their wedding gowns in the form of sashes or bows.

"You see it more with the bolder brides who want to stand out more," she said.

But for Stallings, who was inspired to write a book -- "Offbeat Bride" -- and launch a website after saying, "I do" on her own terms, it's all about staying true to oneself. Even if it means wearing a lime-green wedding dress, she said.

"It's less of a rejection of tradition, and more an embracing wanting to have your wedding reflect who you are," she said. "That can involve wearing colors."

Stallings said she's seen people standing in a white dress on their wedding say, thinking, "I don't even know whose wedding this is."

"An 'offbeat wedding' isn't about being reactionary or rebellious or a rejection of something," Stallings said.

"It's picking up a wedding magazine and saying, 'this isn't me.' "

Fiances & Finances: Questions to ask each other before you say "I do"

2010-08-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

(This is info from an article from Real Simple magazine I read a few months back and I thought it pertinent to share here!)

So you've said "yes" to each other, to marriage, to a lifetime together? A moment like that can spill right into joyful wedding planning, but there is some other planning a couple needs to do before focusing on a ceremony and a day of celebration. Money planning -- not just for one day but for your life together as a couple.

When couples come together, they bring different approaches to money and often different lessons learned about handling money. Guaranteed, money will always be difficult to talk about as a couple and will often be the source of disagreements that lead to arguments. If you start the money conversation before marriage, you'll likely get off to a better start than many couples. So before you decide how many people to invite to the wedding and how much you should spend on a reception, here are some questions to ask each other about money to start life as a couple on solid financial ground.

1. How many accounts do you have, and what kind are they? (Checking, savings, money markets?) How long have you had them? Start with an inventory of the accounts you both hold and how you handle them. Do you balance checking accounts at the end of the month? Do you do your banking online? If your partner has maintained one checking account for many years and checks it to make sure there are no mistakes, those are good signs of financial stability.

2. How many credit cards do you have, and how do you use them? Set aside lots of time to talk about credit cards. Since we are coming down from a consumer-credit frenzy, there's a good chance one or both of you have run up some scary balances on credit cards. Ask each other if you've ever maxed out a credit card, or if you pay off balances at the end of every month. If either or both of you have credit-card debt, you need to total it so you can come up with a plan to pay it off and get rid of it. Tackling debt is the first thing you need to do as a couple before you can achieve financial goals for your future.

3. What other debt do you have? Credit-card debt is only one kind. Chances are there are some student debts or car loans, too, and you need to decide how to tackle all of your debt for the same reasons as above.

4. Have you checked your credit score lately? We should each be checking on our credit reports and scores to make sure our credit is in good standing for when we need to apply for loans (once credit is available again!) Get credit reports from the three major consumer credit reporting companies. It's a good idea to do this once a year, and to definitely do so six months before you plan to apply for a major loan since it may take time to clear up problems or fix errors on the report.

5. Should we have separate, joint, or separate and joint accounts? Once you know how many accounts you each have, how much is in them, and how much you will need to spend on monthly expenses, you'll need to decide whether to merge your accounts, keep separate accounts or agree on a combination of the two. There is no one right answer. But you need to decide what works for you as a couple, and to make sure money decisions are transparent and up-front.

7. How will we making buying decisions? To avoid arguments over individual purchases and to keep on track with your financial goals as a couple, it's a good idea to decide what purchase decisions should be made together and which should not. Maybe it will be a dollar cutoff ($100 or more, for example). Or maybe it will fall to household purchases. But whatever you decide, recognize that money matters are often tied up in emotional issues such as independence. So it's better to talk about the role emotions play than to shove them aside and spend individually as you please.

8. Who will be responsible for paying bills and preparing taxes? The day-to-day nitty gritty of finances needs to be addressed. You need to talk about who will take care of the monthly bills, if you'll split them, and what accounts they will be paid from. Same goes for taxes: whether you prepare them yourselves or hire an accountant (another decision), one of you needs to be on top of keeping good records.

9. Do our work benefits overlap, and do you have insurance? These are the kinds of question that grow in importance if you own a home together or have children. But it's good to consider them early on in your relationship, too.

10. What are our your money goals? Fact is, we need money to achieve most of our goals in life -- be it a house, travel, having children and paying for their education, and finally, retiring to a comfortable lifestyle. You may think you share the same goals, but until you ask each other, you won't know for sure. Talk it out. One of you may want to work less if and when you have young children, while the other assumes you'll both keep working full time. One of you may want to travel, while the other hopes to buy a boat. You get the idea. Talking about your goals will help you figure out how to handle your money day to day in a way that meshes with your future aims as a couple.

Asking these questions early on and starting the conversation before you say "I do" will make it easier to revisit money talk, which may not be as fun as pillow talk but is certainly as vital to your relationship.

Badges of Honor?

2010-08-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

What on earth are these badges doing here? What do they mean and why should anyone care?

I must admit I have a bit of an obsession with "FLAIR" pins. You know..those collector's pins that are always all the rage at the Olympics and other big public events. They make them for parades, commemorative openings, etc.( I collect all sorts of them and I think I am turning my 8yr old into a bit of an addict as well.) It started many years ago with the Winter Olympics in Lillehammer, Norway and I had to have every one I could find that had something related to the Olympics on them. Then for trade shows I used to attend in the tourism industry, I snagged every one off a vendor's table that I could find. I EVEN wrote to each and every U.S. state's tourism dept and asked for a free pin. I didn't get a response from every state but I must say, Utah and Arizona were quite impressive with their turn-around times and I had them within a week. (Shame on MD! I live down the road a piece and I STILL haven't gotten one!)

But I digress....The above "badges" are not nearly as cool looking as the "Housekeeping" or "Outdoor Adventurer" badges I earned years ago in Junior Girl Scouts. I worked for weeks at a time to earn those little patches that my mother would begrudgingly sew onto my uniform's sash for me (BEFORE I earned that coveted "Sewing" badge, that is!) They DO have a certain nifty appeal to me and I take each one of them very seriously.

These are logos that are imparted to honored members of an organization that certifies each member meets a certain standard. Not every member gets them and you should be looking for some of these when searching for a reputable officiant or celebrant. Some are offered to a vendor after they meet certain membership criteria. Some after they have been successfully reviewed by a wedding consumer. Whatever the case, be on the look-out for them. They DO mean something and I am honored to be a part of so many valuable certifying organizations.

Taking stock....

2009-08-15T23:05:00.000-07:00

Several states in our fine nation require significant monitoring of those who are preparing for marriage. Many require counseling of some sort and most of that is religious in nature. Somewhere way back in this blog I posted my thoughts on counseling for marriage. I suppose it's a good idea given the high rate of divorce in this day and age, but I am not a firm believer that it should be required nor should it be handled entirely by religious institutions.

That being said, I have copied the text (for the most part) of a "PREMARITAL INVENTORY" used by a colleague in MN where it happens to be required. IF (and that's a BIG IF)I were to distribute this to my prospective wedding clients, I would offer this abridged and altered version. Take it for what it is. Maybe it will help some open up a discussion that might not have been attempted before...

Introduction
The purpose of taking a premarital inventory before your wedding is to help the two of you receive an objective assessment of potential problems and issues in your relationship. There is NO requirement to complete this. It is merely a suggestion. This is NOT designed to tell you whether or not you should get married, but to help you realize and deal with differences in your expectations, family backgrounds, and personality traits. Ignoring these issues in your marriage could result in serious marital problems.

Directions
1. Please take this inventory alone, without your future husband/wife in the room.
2. Answer all questions truthfully. There are no wrong answers.
3. If you disagree with a statement or think it’s false, circle it.
4. If you believe the statement to be true or agree with it, leave it blank.
5. If unsure how to answer a statement, put a question mark next to it.
6. Return inventory to me at our first meeting.
7. Please do not discuss your answers with your future husband/wife. We'll do that at our first meeting if you choose to do so.
8. Questions? Don’t hesitate to call me.
NAME__________________________________________________________________
ADDRESS and PHONE________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FUTURE SPOUSE’S NAME________________________________________________
WEDDING DATE_______________________________________________________

Category: Interests and Activities
We share many of the same interests.
My future husband/wife feels comfortable with most of my friends.
My future husband/wife is too busy for us to do enough things together.
I am comfortable with most of my future husband's/wife's friends.
My future husband/wife needs more hobbies or leisure activities.
I am comfortable with my future husband/wife having time for his/her own friends.
There are some leisure activities I don't enjoy doing with my future husband/wife.
We agree on whether we will talk about our marital problems with close friends.
My future husband/wife respects my wishes to pursue some of my own interests (hobbies/activities/recreation/etc.).
My future husband/wife is too involved in social or community activities.
I am unhappy with some of my future husband's/wife's interests(hobbies/activities/recreation/etc.).
I am satisfied with my future husband's/wife's ideas about housing.
We have 'his' and 'her' friends, but few friends we share.
We agree on how we will furnish and decorate our home.

Category: Role Expectations
We agree on our future goals and ambitions as a family.
I feel that my social background limits me with my future husband's/wife's friends.
I am content with what my future husband/wife expects of me in our marriage.
I have some concerns about my educational background causing problems between us.
My future husband/wife agrees with my goals and plans for the future.
We have discussed our duties involved in running our home.
Each of us understands the other's career needs.
We are satisfied with the things each of us has agreed to do around our home.
We have worked out who will be the wage earner(s) in our family.
I am comfortable with the responsibilities around our home which I expect will be mine.
We have discussed the stresses one or both of our careers may place on relationship.
One or both of our jobs is causing some problems in our relationship.

Category: Personal Adjustment
My future husband/wife places too much emphasis on neatness.
I am worried about the use of alcohol/tobacco/marijuana or other drugs by either of us.
My future husband/wife often seems to be depressed.
I am sometimes uncomfortable with the behavior of my future husband/wife.
I think my future husband/wife drinks too much.
At times I am upset by my future husband's/wife's sense of humor.
I worry that the physical or mental health of either of us will cause problems between us.
I am sometimes bothered by my future husband's/wife's prejudices.
I am satisfied with life most of the time.
My future husband/wife and I can trust each other with members of the opposite sex.
I accept the way my future husband/wife handles his/her personal problems.
My future husband/wife has certain mannerisms which annoy me.
My future husband/wife sometimes embarrasses me by his/her behavior when drinking or 'high'
Too often my future husband/wife refuses to bend on a particular issue.
I am sometimes displeased with the appearance of my future husband/wife.
Drinking and/or drugs change the personality of my future husband/wife.
Sometimes I don't know what to do about my future husbands/wife's moodiness

Category: Interpersonal Communications
We are really willing to talk with each other.
When I am angry - I say or do things that hurt my future husband/wife.
My future husband/wife and I are both most alert at the same time of day
It is hard to express my true feelings to my future husband/wife.
Sometimes my future husband/wife really hurts my feelings.
My future husband/wife is a good companion when we do things together.
My future husband/wife has difficulty talking about some of his/her feelings.
Sometimes I worry about my future husband's/wife's temper.
I find that I feel comfortable with him/her most of the time.
I will do anything I can to avoid disagreements with my future husband/wife.
I am sometimes afraid of my future husband/wife.
I am content with the ways we show affection for each other.
I am satisfied with the ways we resolve the differences between us.
My future husband/wife. is too possessive of me.
I can count on my future husband/wife to give me support when I am feeling down.
One of us always insists on being right.
If we ever find ourselves drifting apart - having a baby will bring us back together.
I can always count on my future husband/wife to be a good listener.
When we have had a disagreement - one or both of us tries to avoid talking about it

Category: Religion and Philosophy
I have trouble practicing some of the teachings of my religion.
My religious preference has caused some conflict with my future husband's/wife's family.
There are things the religion asks me to do which I cannot.
We agree on the amount of involvement we wish to have in our religion.
I worry that my relationship with God and my religion is not all that it should be.
My future husband/wife believes that our marriage means a continuing involvement in our religion.
My future husband/wife accepts my right to believe in my own philosophy of life or religion.
A problem for me is my future husband's/wife's attachment to his/her religion.
My future husband/wife is comfortable with the way I follow my faith and the teachings of my religion.
We agree on which religion, if any, will guide us in raising our children.
Some of my religious values cause conflict between us.
I understand the meaning of marriage as a sacrament.
I strongly believe that having a religion or philosophy of life (set of values for living) is important for me.
I feel great pressure on my freedom to choose my own religious beliefs

Category: Marriage Expectations
We have discussed what the words of our marriage vows will mean for us.
Pregnancy has affected our marriage plans.
At times I have strong doubts that I have made the right choice of a mate.
My future husband/wife wants to get married sooner than I do.
There are times when I doubt my future husband/wife has made the right choice of a mate.
Neither of us feels we are being pushed into marriage.
We have discussed what could happen that would end our marriage.
I feel that I have had little to do with the decisions made about our wedding.
The thought of never being married is frightening to me.
I am feeling great pressure from someone about our wedding plans.
I will solve a number of problems I now have by getting married.
There is a conflict between us about the type of wedding we want.
There are some objections to our marriage.
We have made plans about where we will live when we are married.

Category: Family Issues
Our families agree with our lifestyle.
We may have problems because our families have quite different cultural (social/economic/ethnic) values.
I am concerned that financial help from our families will cause us some problems.
I worry that either of our families will cause friction between us.
My future husband/wife is too dependent on his/her family.
My family agrees with my choice of a mate.
My future husband's/wife's family approve of me.
I am uncomfortable when I am around some members of my future husband's/wife's family

Category: Finances
We agree on how we will handle saving and debts in our budget.
I am concerned about my future husband's/wife's ability to handle money.
One or both of us has some large debts.
We agree on who will be in charge of handling money matters.
I believe that we will have enough extra money for our favorite sports/hobbies/interests/etc.
We agree on how to handle our checking account(s).
I am worried that we do not have enough insurance.
I am satisfied with the way we have decided to budget our money.
I am confident that our income will cover our expenses.
We agree on how much we can afford to spend on housing.

Category: Children
We agree on how many children we would like to have.
We have similar attitudes about the values we want our children to learn.
We have a strong disagreement about adoption.
We agree on what each of us must do to teach our values to our children.
We have shared our thoughts and feelings about pregnancy and childbirth.
We agree on the role of a mother in raising our children.
One or both of us has great fears about raising children in today's world.
We agree on the role of a father in raising our children.
My future husband/wife and I have discussed whether or not we want to have children.
I am afraid that problems from my childhood will affect the way I raise my children.
We have discussed what kind of childcare needs we might have (daycare/preschool/etc.).
There is a conflict between us about whether or not we want to have children.
I am sure that my future husband/wife would be a good parent.
I agree with my future husband's/wife's beliefs about disciplining children.
We have decided not to have children.
I feel that I would be a good parent.

Category: Sexuality
I have good feelings about my sexuality.
I am well informed about the process of lovemaking and sexual intercourse.
I feel good about my body.
A good way to work out problems between us will be to have sexual intercourse.
I feel that sexual intimacy with my future husband/wife will be embarrassing.
It is better for the man to initiate sex.
I am some what afraid of being sexually unsatisfying to my future husband/wife.
Knowing good sexual technique is the most important thing in making a satisfactory sexual relationship.
I sometimes worry that I might be sexually impotent/frigid.
If my future husband/wife were unfaithful - it would end our marriage.
There are times when I don't like to be touched.
A good sex life is the guarantee against adultery.
I feel comfortable discussing sexual matters with my future husband/wife.
The issue of premarital sex has caused us some conflicts.
We are in agreement in our attitudes about 'birth control'

Category: Marital Need
Sometimes a woman/man should take a chance and marry even if they are not sure.
Women/men today don't have to get married unless they really want to.
People think that a woman/man who isn't married is a failure.
A woman/man doesn't need to be married to have a good life

Category: Marital Commitment
Even if a woman/man thinks their marriage is bad, they should keep trying to save it.
If a married couple aren't getting along, they should get a divorce.
If a woman/man thinks they married the wrong person they should get a divorce.
Even if a wife/husband doesn't love their spouse, they should still stay married to them

Category: Marital Desirability
It's much better to be married than single.
I have wanted to be married for as long as I can remember.
A single woman/man needs to find a man/woman to get married to.
A woman/man should be married to one man/woman for as long as they both live.
A woman/man needs to be married to be really happy.
To be married is one of the most important things in a woman's/man's life.
A woman/man feels more grown up after she/he gets married.
Most women/men would rather be married than single.
A married woman/man gets more respect.

Category: Marital Undesirability
The way things are today, women/men shouldn't expect their marriages to last for life.
Many women/men I know are sorry they got married.
Women/men usually give more than they get from marriage.
When a woman/man gets married, they give up most of their freedom.
Women/men often get a bad deal from marriage.
A woman's/man's family usually pushes them to get married.
Just because people are in love, doesn't mean they should get married.

CONCERNS YOU’D LIKE TO DISCUSS

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FACEBOOK ALERT!

2009-04-15T08:54:00.001-07:00

Follow me on Facebook! I joined the revolution last fall and I am addicted for sure! I'll be posting wedding info on there as well1

Search for "Services of Distinction"!

How do we do this "wedding" thing anyway?

2009-04-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

What three points would you stress to a couple planning their ceremony?

Well, first, recognize that your ceremony is not just the gateway to the reception; it’s the reason for the celebration. Nothing is worse than having 100 people enthused with the grandest, happiest expectations of a poignant moment only to be rewarded with the same old ceremony that’s been recited by rote over and over again. Blah blah blah. Yawn.

Every ceremonial choice a couple makes, from the way they arrive at the ceremony space (Will they walk together? Will the bride be escorted by her dad or other significant relative? Will she walk alone?) to the readings (biblical? poetry? hand written?), to even their placement (together facing their guests? facing each other? on each side of the officiant?) expresses a subtle window into the individuality to their relationship. All these choices should be woven together, by a competent officiant, into a joyful and individual service that really expresses the personalities of the couple.

Second, you should remember the settings that surround the ceremony; it does not exist in a vacuum. If you’re in a beautiful garden, the ceremony should refer to the bounty and beauty of nature. If it’s in the fall, in a winery, it should refer to the harvest of effort, time and growth. At a beach? The nature of shifting sand and the reliable comfort of our anchors; our family, our partner, our friends. There are reasons that each couple picks their setting, and the ceremony should at the very least, present a nod of understanding to that setting and give their audience another way of insight into their particular partnership.

Finally, plan on getting an early and firm grip on the fact that something will not go as you planned. The three year old flower girl will have a nuclear, face down on the aisle runner tantrum. The chuppa will list sharply to one side. Opa will forget the wine blessing. The musicians will start playing the recessional as your officiant is still talking. The photographer will fall into the fountain. (Not that any of this has happened to me……’: -) All of these occurrences are events that are uncontrollable, and in many cases, add a note of fresh reality and welcome humor to the tableau. With the expectation that something is going to surprise you, try to plan out everything that can be planned not to surprise you. Allow plenty of time for your guests to find the site and get comfortable. Take into account that stiletto heels and grass don’t mix. (I almost lost a couple of maids of honor on various golf courses last year…). Don’t give the four year old ring bearer the real rings. Send clear direction in your invitations, including parking details and logistical glitches (Ocean City beach traffic during the summer…..) that may factor into your guests’ plan.

Now, with all that being said...remember this truly final point my friends...it's all about the marriage...NOT the wedding.

Selecting a Wedding Officiant...it's a weird and often wacky process...

2008-10-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, I said it. Weird and wacky. Perhaps sometimes. Perhaps more than often. As a Wedding Officiant, I am hugely respectful of the process that a couple goes through to select their Officiant. I did it myself just last year. Choosing a Wedding Officiant is often not that much fun. *Although, MINE turned out to be a BLAST!) First of all, you've got to call/meet with an Officiant that you don't know to potentially invite him or her into one of the most intimate moments of your lives. In addition, you're giving this person control of your wedding ceremony. Yikes!

And here is what I know for sure in my years as a non-denominational Wedding Officiant:

1) Be very, very clear about what you want from your Officiant. Ask lots of questions. Yes, this process can be somewhat daunting and you can make it fun. Qualify your Officiant via email or phone and if they resonate with you, set up a meeting for coffee/tea, etc. A quality officiant will ask YOU tons of questions too> Yep. It's a JOB INTERVIEW my friend! ( I give my would-be couples a questionnaire and don't sign a contract with them until I receive this completed form in my hands!)

2) Selecting your Officiant is often a hugely personal choice and one from the gut. Bottom line: You like the Officiant. And the Officiant likes you.

3) You get what you pay for. Really. Truly. No kidding. When it comes to "wedding vendors," you want an Officiant who is excited to know you, honored to create a wedding ceremony with you and privileged to deliver your ceremony on your wedding day. I find that most couples spend money where their values are - and there is no right or wrong here. If someone starts off "nickel and diming" you from the get-go, well, then...GET GOING!

As a "marrying lady," here is what I know for sure.

- That there is no such thing as a 'perfect wedding' and that this label thrown around by vendors in the wedding industry makes me crazy. Believe it or not, it's often the imperfect moments on a wedding day that are the most precious and memorable. (Like your 3 year old niece running down the aisle while jettisoning her flower petals at your grandmother!)

- A wedding ceremony is most often an 'out of body experience." I frequently hear from the couples I am honored to work with that they actually remember about 50% of their wedding ceremony experience. A wedding ceremony is a huge moment - it's full of emotion and there is lots of "stuff" swirling around the room, no matter how intimate or large a wedding.

- That couples who use the time of their engagement period to strengthen their relationship and bond will walk more elegantly and gracefully into their wedding day. Wedding planning can often numb normal feelings and thoughts that need to be voiced and expressed prior to a wedding day. Our "isn't this perfect" society doesn't fully allow for a bride or groom to share pre-wedding jitters - that are often perfectly normal.

What ELSE do I know? Just ask.....

LITTLE BOYS AND ROLLING RINGS

2008-02-04T18:48:00.000-08:00

I can tell you from quite personal experience that precaution is well warranted at times! NOTE the pillow in our son's hand at our wedding last July in Central Park. Perhaps you can't see it...but the rings were FAKE and STILL tied to the pillow at the end of the ceremony! (Nice hint dear sister! But he wasn't too pleased to figure this out in the end!)

On with the blog...

Many weddings these days not only have bridesmaids and groomsmen, but flower girls and ring bearers. The flower girl is most often a little girl carrying and even dropping flowers on her walk down the aisle just before the bride and groom. The ring bearer is usually a very young boy, and his responsibility is to get the bride's and groom's rings safely to their destination.

Now, if the flower girl decides not do her job, well, it's not great, but it's not the worst thing that can happen. If the little boy decides he's not interested in fulfilling his duty, however, we have a problem. Nothing like having one of the guests chasing after him to get the rings off the satin pillow and delivered to the best man. It's not a scene most often envisioned by the happy couple.

So, if your ring bearer will be bearing the real wedding rings, be sure to tie them onto the pillow with a knot sturdy enough to hold them in place, but loosely enough so that the officiant (or the guest chasing after him) can pull one part of the ribbon and remove them easily. My experience has been rings tied so tightly to the pillow, I nearly have to gnaw at the knot to free them.

At one wedding I officiated, the opposite was true...the rings weren't tied to the pillow at all. Despite the balancing act of the young man carrying them down a very long aisle, one, then the other got away, and being round (duh), were able to make their way under the guests' chairs in two different directions. I'm sure that one day the couple will laugh at the memory, but they weren't amused at that moment.

Better than real rings tied to the pillow, if your little guy is a very little guy and/or prone to temper tantrums or cold feed under pressure (and you never really know if he is until it's too late), put two fake rings on the pillow and give the real ones to your best man to hold.

Consider other options as well. Perhaps a bit of a treasure box with the rings securely fastened inside? What little boy doesn't like the idea of carrying a treasure and being dubbed the KEEPER of the TREASURE? Just a thought....

Remember to tell your officiant who will have the rings to ensure a smooth ceremony.

To Kiss or NOT to Kiss???

2008-02-04T18:46:00.000-08:00

YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE?

Recently, a number of us officiants were discussing the all-important, very famous, somewhat traditional tagline that comes at the end of just about every wedding ceremony, "You may now kiss the bride."

Some couples, mostly brides, actually, don't like it. They want us to say something different. They still want the kiss; they don't want those words. I understand.

The "you may now do something to somebody else" feel of it doesn't necessarily fit well in the personal, often unique and gender-equal ceremonies. What are the alternatives?

Before you choose another way to say it, think about the feel of your ceremony. Is it playful and light? Traditional? Religious? Is it romantic? Does it celebrate you both as individuals? A little bit of everything? The type of ceremony you've chosen reflects who you are, and is a good place to start as you begin to think about changing that all important directive.

From our officiants' exchange, I've come up with a few suggestions for alternatives:

"You may now seal this union with a kiss."
"You may now kiss each other."
"You may now seal your vows with a kiss."
"An ancient belief proclaims that when a couple in love kisses, a little bit of each other's soul is transported to abide in the other. At what better time than now to share your souls and a kiss."
"You may now (or Please) celebrate your love and devotion with a kiss."
"You may now (or Please) share your first kiss as husband and wife."

Of course, you can make up your own or ask your officiant to help you.

Many couples still want the traditional "You may now kiss the bride" at the end of their ceremony. If that's what you'd like to hear, it's just as meaningful and beautiful as it's always been...so enjoy!

Dottie Templeton, Poetic Ceremonies

No "fairy godmothers" here....

2007-10-22T06:28:00.001-07:00

I am getting old. OK. I admit it. Are you happy now?

I have a distinct memory of my kindergarten teacher at P.S. 30 (Staten Island, NY), Mrs. Wolonitz remarking that she was getting VERY old because she was now teaching the children of kids she taught when she first was new to teaching "many moons ago". We thought that was VERY funny at the time and laughed uproariously at her then. I am quite sure she didn't fully appreciate THAT. Well, my own 5 year old kindergartener laughed at me this weekend when I told him I was baptizing the child of folks I married a few years back. Yes..I did NOT appreciate that as well as he informed me I was getting VERY old. I guess that was my payback. Nice...............

It was a glorious day though as I offered blessings and baptized Corrin Elise at Rocks State Park in MD. This was the first time I met her and the first time I'd seen her mother since I performed their wedding a few years ago. She still looked gorgeous and well suited to motherhood and her husband looked like an old pro as well. What a beautiful child and SO happy to be here with all the attention, etc. The ceremony went smoothly with no tears and plenty of smiles to distract me from the task at hand. I just wanted to eat that kid up!

The parents chose NOT to have typical "sponsors" or "godparents" since they have so many people that truly love her and they'd have a hard time choosing one set specifically. Not a problem! We acknowledged both sets of the glowing grandparents and asked for the blessings and promises of support from all those assembled and witnessing the ceremony there. After all, those people were the ones the parents thought enough of to ask them there to celebrate with them. The following is what was asked of them. It is all that is "needed" and is, in every sense of the word, a corporate sponsorship. They ALL will bear the responsibility!: "Corrin’s parents have brought her here to be blessed and received into the family of God and of mankind. Their wish for Corrin is that she be dedicated in a spirit of community, and that all of you gathered here will play a role in her development as a person who will contribute to and make better this community as a whole. We ask now that all of you gathered here join her parents in making a pledge to her today: Do you all give now your pledge to endeavor earnestly to teach and inspire this little one in a positive way, to be a part of her extended family, and to let your examples and influence guide her to live her life in an upright and honorable way? And do you promise to do whatever you can to offer support to his parents in raising her, and keeping her safe, secure, and happy? If so, please answer: “We do.” Loved Ones: “We do.”

So don't fret if you can't choose "godparents". That title was created way back when the concepts of someone dying without proper religious dedication and blessing would bring on thoughts of eternal damnation and hell. It was, essentially, to ensure someone would raise your child in a "proper" Christian home if you, the parents, passed away prematurely. In today's world, we put a lighter spin on the subject and recognize that the concept of a sponsor is meant to be additional love and support for the child throughout his or her life and to assist in proper religious education if the parents so choose.

Even if you choose to have NO one there as your child is blessed, the angels will watch over him or her and THEY will be the sponsors. Could you ask for anything more?

TO MIKE OR NOT TO MIKE?

2007-10-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

Should you have your officiant wear a microphone during the ceremony? Maybe, maybe not.

I never used to use a mike (or mic)...I just didn't want to deal with it...the loud feedback, the ugly big thing standing on the floor between me and the couple, the outages, the set up and breakdown time and the worrying about it behaving properly for the whole ceremony.

Wireless mikes are convenient, small and inconspicuous, but are prone to static and not transmitting if there's interference in the area. A large wired mike makes me feel like a lounge singer and requires one hand to hold it. That means I have only one hand left to hold my book, then I need a third hand to hold the rings. The big-headed floor-stand mikes take up a lot of room and have to be positioned just right to capture all the action, so you find yourself talking to the mike instead of to the couple and the guests.

Then one day, after a venue had supplied one of those big floor mikes that didn't work (I always test the equipment before the ceremony...the only thing worse than a big intrusive mike, is a big intrusive mike that doesn't work,) I was walking down the aisle after the ceremony and overheard a few of the guests talking. The wedding was indoors with about 180 guests, and several of them were saying how beautiful and personal the ceremony was (which I liked) but the other guests were saying how disappointed they were that they couldn't hear a word (which I didn't like.)

For me, this was a turning point. I spend a lot of time composing a ceremony, the couple spends a lot on the wedding, the guests spend a lot of energy to get there to hear the ceremony, the couple and I want the guests to hear it, so more and more frequently, I've learned to deal with the mike.

Most often and whenever possible, the venue, deejay or band will supply it. I find that the musicians equipment is usually better than the venue's, so ask your musicians first. I tie into their systems, which use mostly the small wireless, clip-on type of mike positioned on my robe in such a way that the guests can hear both me and the couple. For those times when a mike can't be provided, I've purchased a small, portable system that's battery operated so I can take it to beaches, parks...just about anywhere. But it means charging it up, lugging it around, setting it up, breaking it down...so I like to use the musicians' mike if I have the option.

For a wedding with under 50 guests held indoors, you may not need to mike your officiant. But you need to remember, sound travels differently outdoors, so even a small gathering may have trouble hearing your ceremony if the officiant isn't miked. You don't want him/her to have to shout in your faces so that the guests can hear...you kind of lose that sense of intimacy. ( I happen to have a very loud voice that projects well, but I hate the thought of screaming into the face of the bride and groom!)

Another reason to use a mike outdoors is because you're much more likely to hear sounds you wouldn't hear if you were inside...trains, planes, automobiles, kids, birds, dogs and garbage trucks all make plenty of noise and can strike at just the wrong moment. The un-miked voice of your officiant is no match for many of these sounds. Even the rustling of trees can be loud enough to keep your guests from hearing the ceremony.

If you'll be outdoors and your officiant won't be miked, talk to him/her beforehand about pausing patiently until the noise subsides before continuing the ceremony. One drawback of using a mike outdoors is wind. The mike will transmit it, and it isn't pretty. By the same token, voices don't carry far in the wind, so you have to choose which way to go when there's more than just a breeze.

Indoors, a mike is helpful for 25 to 50 guests and a must if there will be many more. Sometimes, there's feedback (that loud, piercing sound that makes everyone put their hands over their ears). Sometimes it stops transmitting or the sound comes and goes. You have to realize that these things might happen and your officiant has no control over it. But mostly, due to new technology, everything goes fine and everyone can hear, the couple is happy, and the officiant is pleased when everyone tells her how beautiful the ceremony was.

Ask your officiant about using a microphone and if he can supply one, if necessary. Ask if he's ever used one before...it helps to be experienced. The first time I wore one, I held my ceremony book up against it at the end of the ceremony to applaud the couple and it made a loud, thump thump thumping sound throughout the church. I was looking around trying to figure out what that obnoxious noise was, and it was me! If your officiant has never been miked before, ask the deejay to give him a few pointers, like, don't tell any secrets while you're miked because they will no longer be secrets.

To mike or not to mike. Now that is the question you're more prepared to answer.

Celebrant or Officiant? What's the difference....

2007-09-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

Not much if you ask me...but to clarify what a common definition is, I consulted Wikipedia. Take this with a grain of salt as anyone can modify it, but I generally agree with the overall explanation.

Celebrant

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"In the United States, Canada and many other countries around the world, a celebrant is a person who performs religious or secular celebrancy services for weddings, funerals, child namings, baptisms, coming of age ceremonies, and other rituals.

Some Celebrants are ordained clergy, while others are Officiants empowered by the Humanist Association of Canada (HAC), the American Humanist Association (AHA), or the Society for Humanistic Judaism. (SHJ).

Celebrants may perform alternative and nontraditional ceremonies in places, and under circumstances where mainstream religious clergy will not. Some Celebrants perform same-sex weddings and commitment ceremonies. Celebrants, also called Officiants, often perform ceremonies in parks, on beaches, on mountains, on boats, on hiking trails, in hotels, in banquet halls, in private homes, and many other places.

Laws in each state of the United States vary about who has the right to perform wedding ceremonies, but Celebrants or Officiants are usually categorized as "clergy" and have the same rights and responsibilities as ordained clergy. In Canada and in the US State of Massachusetts, where same-sex unions are legally recognized, Celebrants and Officiants perform many LGBT weddings.

Celebrants differ from Chaplains in that Celebrants serve the unaffiliated public at large, while Chaplains are usually employed by an institution such as a hospital or other health care facility, the military, etc."

Serendipity

2007-09-22T21:38:00.001-07:00

Serendipity

It was the year 1853 when George Crum, a chef working in Saratoga Springs, had some problems. His potatoes, according to a customer, weren’t crisp enough. Finally, after repeated efforts to unsog his potatoes, Crum sliced them paper-thin, fried them in fat, and gave America her most popular snack food: potato chips. Serendipity.

In 1878 a worker, lingering too long over lunch, let a batch of liquified soap mix too long. He hoped his mistake would go unnoticed. The customers noticed. The soap, with an abundant mixture of air, floated. Ivory Soap started to clean things 99 and 44/100ths percent pure. Serendipity.

In 1905 Frank Epperson, an eleven-year-old boy, left his drink made up of soda powder and water on his back porch. During the night, the liquid froze around the stirring stick and popsicles were born. Serendipity!
Serendipity is finding something unexpected and useful while searching for something else entirely. Is your engagement a matter of Serendipity? What WERE you really looking for? Did this love fall into your path? After all this...do you actually care now? You have one another....

Relax...I know SOMETHING about what you are going through!

2007-09-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

Bear with me here...I can sense this may seem a bit rambling from the outset....

I was in your position once not too long ago. I feverishly watched all of those wedding shows looking to find a new ideato set my wedding apart from others and to impress everyone. For goodness' sake~~~I am a WEDDING OFFICIANT! You'd think I had seen it all (and, trust me, I HAVE!) but that concept sort of slipped my mind and I kept checking in with a good friend to ensure I wasn't becoming a "Bridezilla". My then-fiance Chris was calm and cool and I was a wreck with the minutiae of planning sitting solely at my feet. (OH how THAT calm, cool nature BUGGED me!!!) So I can't exactly tell you when or where it happened, but I gained a moment of clarity in the last few weeks prior to our ceremony and I just had to "Let Go". I had a bit of help from friends and family, but the act of "letting go" was all on me.

I am typing this as I listen to "The Sound of Music" play in the background. "Edelweiss" was always my favorite song in childhood. It is so serene and it brings back great memories. I really encourage you to think of things like this now and then to allow you to just "chill out" and not take things so seriously. After all, in a year or so when your "Big Day" has come and gone, NO ONE but NO ONE is going to care about those color-coordinated favors you are stressing about now. My oldest sister Martha surprised me by bringing hand-made chocolate truffle as favors to our small wedding and they were the PERFECT elegant touch to our relatively laid-back celebration! (Thanks Martha!)

My day was nearly flawless (albeit a bit too humid!) but if there was something that went amiss, I certainly wasn't made aware of it. I had "let go" a long time before we arrived at the park for the ceremony. I think that went a long way to making my day even more special.

So...when you can....(and I KNOW that may be difficult for some...) chill out...relax...and TRY to let go. There are many people that love you who want this day you're planning to be the best ever. Let them take over something for you. Delegate tasks....let someone help you. Assign someone to be a designated "bridezilla" watcher---one who will pull you out of the depths of despair when your linen choices are off a bit or the caterer is trying to charge you extra corkage fees or something equally as assinine. Let go...and ENJOY your day. It only comes around but once.

Well, that's IF you have ME perform your ceremony. My bonds last forever I am told!

I LOVE interviews! (YES, I really do!!!)

2007-09-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

Now how about you? I am well aware that I may not be your first choice and that I may just be the first stop on the path to selecting the perfect officiant to seal your union. Have you given much thought as to what to ask ME? Come on.....this is important stuff here! Without an officiant, you will be spending all this money for nothing! (LOL) Besides my fees, are you interested in knowing about what qualifies me to marry you? Do you want to know something personal about me to see if we "connect"? Is there something unique you have heard about, but have no idea how to bring it up? Well, rest assured, nothing is usually foreign to me and I have heard lots of things that one would think would surprise me, but it just really never has.

So...did you realize that I was going to interview YOU too? Well of course I was! There are millions of details I need to know in order to provide you with the outstanding service I am known for. Here are some questions I very likely will ask you. It may seem like a lot up front, but it will help me build your ceremony on solid ground~~~just like your marriage should be!

1. Family backgrounds (any traditions?)

2. Religious or non-religious? Spiritual? Civil? If religious, which ones and how much?

3. How long have you been together?

4. How did you meet?

5. Is there a “story” that goes along with your meeting?

6. Any kids? (yours, his or both)

7. First marriage for both? Second marriage?

8. Parents alive, attending ceremony? Father giving away bride? If not, who?

9. Have you worked out the processional? Will it include formal seating of parents and/or grandparents?

10. Formal dress or informal dress?

11. Inside or outside ceremony?

12. Do you want to read or repeat your vows? (Can you/do you want to memorize the vows?)

13. Do you want to write vows to one another? If you are comfortable speaking, do you want to write and read letters to one another? If you wish to write but not read the officiant can do it.

14. How many guests are you expecting?

15. How many members in the bridal party? Any young children involved (please list ages)?

16. How long of a ceremony are you looking for?

17. Time of the wedding ("good evening" or good morning" etc)

18. Do you want anyone to do a reading? If so, whom? Do you already have something picked out or do you need ideas?

19. Any pets to be included?

20. What type of wedding do you "see" yourselves having?

21. Is there anything you definitely do or don't want included?

22. Are you comfortable speaking in public or do you want to keep it to a minimum?

23. Are you interested in any of the smaller ceremonies that can go on during a wedding? (roses, wine, candles, and so on)

24. Are you including music?

25. Tell me about your guests

26. Tell me about your family

27. Tell me about your relationship

28. What do you think the key for you to live a long and happy life together will be?

There will likely be more, but these are the ones I found appropriate for now...

Snapshots to treasure............

2007-08-31T09:22:00.000-07:00

PICTURE PERFECT

One of the most enduring ways to remember your wedding ceremony is with photographs. Long after the food is eaten and the gown is hermetically sealed in a box, you'll have pictures to enjoy with your friends and family for years to come.

When I officiate, the photographer can stand on my shoulders and shoot with a blinding flash and I wouldn't notice. (OK..IDO LIKE my personal space, but I am not easily flustered, so the distance is not as important as maintaining the serenity of the ceremony...) I only see you...I only care about you and your guests.

I have no rules about what shots they can take and from where. I make sure to talk to the photographer before the wedding to tell her/him how the ceremony will run so s/he can prepare for the shots. I also ask if there's anything I can do to help make the photographs better, and let them know that I'm more than happy to restage a shot if necessary.

That's all well and good for me, but you have to decide just how aggressive you're willing to allow your photographer and videographer to be. The ceremony is very special and emotional. You are changing your lives forever...committing yourselves before friends and family to another person for the rest of your lives.

You'll want to talk to your photographer about what's acceptable during the ceremony and what isn't. Is flash ok? How close can they come to you? Will you be wearing a mic (for the videographer)? How many photographers can be near the ceremony at once? Are you willing to allow them to actually stand between you and the officiant (Yes, believe it or not this HAS happened!)?

It's only fair that you be clear with your photographer about your expectations. If there's a certain photograph you want and you think it might mean that the photographer needs to get a bit intrusive, check with him. Then decide if the photograph is worth it. Ask if your photographer uses a long lens so she can get those intimate shots from a distance. Make sure you provide your photographer/videographer with a list of those shots that are absolutely "must haves". i.e. shot with your "Bubby" who travelled 3,000 miles to be with you, panorama of the reception scene, shots of the flowergirls dancing, snapshot of you and your college buddies, etc.

My experience with photographers is always positive. They are part of the wedding to do a very important job and they want you to be happy.

Remember, you're likely to have hundreds of pictures of your wedding and hundreds of opportunities to view them, but only one opportunity to look into the eyes of your beloved and make your vows of eternal love. Be careful not to allow those precious moments be overshadowed by the distraction of getting one particular picture.

Your photographer can only respect your wishes if he knows what they are in advance, so help him out and be forthcoming with your direction.

United we stand.....

2007-08-27T13:16:00.000-07:00

Unity ceremonies are a staple in today's weddings. Couples love being able to use this ceremony as a symbol of joining their families together. It adds another element to a "standard" ceremony (which sometimes lasts only 15 minutes), and is a great way to include close family members.

Traditional unity ceremonies surround candles. Right after the MOB (Mother of the Bride) and MOG (Mother of the Groom) come down the aisle, they each light a candle (usually a single taper each) located to the side of the altar. Each candle represents the family of the Bride or Groom. After reciting vows, the couple will each take another, smaller candle or stick, light this with their family's candle and then both light the unity candle (large candle in center) together. This symbolizes the joining of their families. Sometimes they blow out the family candles, symbolizing leaving their families to create a new unit. Sometimes they leave all candles light, usually indicating not just the creation of one new unit but the joining of all families. Then they return to the altar to exchange rings.

Many, many new options exist to express yourself in a unity ceremony. A whole host of unity candle products are on the market. You can pick a variety of themes for your candle (Are you an Irish bride? Why not grab a candle with green trim and a shamrock charm? Are you having a beach wedding? How about a candle that looks like seashells?). I challenge you to unite the theme of your wedding, your interests, and your creativity to include your own unique unity ceremony.

Here are some examples:

* Wine ceremony: parents fill family wine glasses and then you both pour into a joint cup and drink; or parents and couple all drink from one glass. (Try this ahead of time to make sure it's drinkable!) This works well for winery weddings/receptions.

* Flower ceremony: MOB and MOG each carry a bouquet down the aisle, placing it in two waiting large vases. The Bride and Groom each take a flower from their family bouquet (or break off a flower from the bouquet) and place them together in a smaller vase or bud vase.

* Colored Water ceremony: Have three vessels on the table; one empty and two filled with different colored water. The MOB and MOG will each add more water to family vessel (carrying in attractive cup down the aisle) or they can throw in flower petals, shells, etc. Bride and Groom will fill a main vessel with the water from their family vessels. Points to you if you can join the two colors together to create one of your wedding colors! When all else fails - try to create blue - something blue for your wedding day.

* Sand ceremony: This has become very popular for beach weddings or nautical/beach/sea-themed weddings. Again there are family containers of sand that are combined to join one body of sand. You can use all natural-colored sand, or you can highlight the mixture by choosing two colors of sand. This is a FABULOUS way to include children in a blended family ceremony.

* Concrete ceremony: Sounds a little too "out there"? With careful planning, this ceremony will have a lasting effect! Task a close friend or relative, not in the wedding party, to be in charge of this unity ceremony. The easiest way is to buy a standard garden stone-making kit at a local craft store. These usually come with a cement mix, tray and decorative items. Have your attendant prepare the cement mix and place it in the tray on a table just before the ceremony starts. If you wish, create a decorative holder for the cement tray (this will certainly make it look nicer), and ask your attendant to carry the tray or have the MOG and MOB carry the tray in together. The Bride and Groom will interlock hands and create hand prints in the cement. After the ceremony, have the attendant remove the tray and give it some finishing touches (write your names, the date, and put in some stones, etc.) Also make sure to have two towels on hand to quickly wash off! In this instance, it will take more planning and more patience. You will probably need to do this ceremony after the giving of rings (and make sure NOT to use your ring hand). But you will come away with a beautiful stone that symbolizes your union, that can stay in your house or in your garden for the rest of your lives.

* Butterfly or Dove release: Consider gathering your parents and all releasing butterflies or doves together. When they hit the sky, they will all be united, symbolizing the joining of your families. Work with your professional planner, as their are logistics involved in both of these releases. Especially with butterflies, many stage regulations exist for purchasing and you have to have the right weather conditions. The butterfly ceremony can have "iffy" results, so weigh your decision carefully if you are going to plan this. They'll have to be kept cool until a short time before the ceremony and then "warmed up" before release--otherwise, they'll pop out of the envelopes dead!

Less of a unity ceremony, but still a beautiful symbol of the joining of families, consider this: Have the MOB and MOG each bring an 8" square piece of their wedding dress. Take a pin for your dress, or a pin provided for the ceremony, and join the two pieces together. You might also consider pinning them symbolically to your dress (whether on the outside for a minute, or underneath the bottom portion of the skirt). You can also consider doing in this in private, before your wedding - a beautiful gesture to both your mother and future mother-in-law. In the same manner, ask the Father of the Groom (FOG) and Father of the Bride (FOB) to both bring a handkerchief and join those with a pin or tie tack.

If either of you have children, you can include your children in the unity ceremony. Ask one or more of your children to bring up a ribbon. They will bind your hang together, symbolizing their blessing on your union. It is best to do this after you exchange rings!

In all instances, even if you perform the traditional candle unity ceremony, do two things:

1) Pay close attention to the setup of your ceremony. If you will have a table next to the altar, make sure that you ask the MOB and MOG to light the candles, etc. while standing BEHIND the table (and facing the guests). As well, when you light your join candle, make sure you do so from BEHIND the table! It is a beautiful sentiment, and I hate having to watch couples' backs from the audience. Place the table on a riser to allow people to see it better. Leave amble room behind the table for everyone who will participate. (The pictures will be better if you do this as well!)

2) Put your own stamp on the unity ceremony. If you use candles, wrap them in the colors of your wedding, have them monogrammed, have a candle printed with a personal message, part of your vows, etc. Millions of options exist for personalization. Choose the right ceremony for your day and for your venue. A candle lighting will NOT go well outdoors.

If you will do a sand ceremony, make sure that the vase you use ties in with the theme of the wedding. Rent beautiful table linens when you do the rentals for your reception. If you will have a child bind you hand with ribbon, ask your child to write a message on the ribbon or ask guests to sign their names (symbolizing the support of everyone present). Use a unity candle passed down from a family member. Or even MAKE the candles while having wine and cheese with your bridesmaids (it isn't as hard as you think).

Regardless of your choice, put your personal spin and creativity into your unity ceremony. The breaks in your ceremony for readings, for personal vows, for this ceremony are the ways that you will show your personality as a couple. The more you put in to this special moment, the more it will reflect in the pictures and in your memories as the years go by.

FEES, FEES, FEES

2007-08-20T08:42:00.002-07:00

WHY ARE OFFICIANTS SO EXPENSIVE?

Why does an officiant costs hundreds of dollars? I would have asked myself that same question until I became one. Many people wonder how it can cost so much to “stand up there for 20 minutes.” Well, now I can tell you from experience, that’s the shortest, easiest, most fun part.

Most officiants these days are not ministers of churches with salaries and/or housing. They are ministers for the sole purpose of officiating weddings and, perhaps, baby blessings and memorial services. They are one of your most important vendors.

You know that when you pay $4 for a latte at the local coffee shop, the drink’s ingredients cost about 22 cents. You understand that you’re paying for rent, lights, insurance, salaries, equipment, advertising, profit, and more.

Now, an officiant’s expenses aren’t all as readily obvious, I admit. But they include purchasing robes at several hundred dollars each, stoles at more than one hundred dollars each, advertising, a website, a dedicated phone, business cards, numerous reference books, association dues, certification that can cost thousands of dollars, and ongoing education costs. Other hard expenses include things like dry cleaning, car, gas, and computer.

Then there’s the time factor. I personally spend a lot of time with couples on the phone and email who ultimately don’t book. For the weddings I DO book, I spend about an hour on the phone with each couple, uaually at least an hour or more in person, several hours researching, composing/preparing the ceremony--then making revisions, about two hours preparing for the ceremony (Map-Questing directions, printing and binding the ceremony, ironing my robe, and rehearsing), a half an hour on creating the wedding certificate, an average of 3 hours travel and time and at the ceremony because I always get there early, and another half an hour completing, copying, and mailing the marriage license.

But in the end, that’s not really all you’re paying for. Just as you can hire lawyers and surgeons for $100 or $1000 an hour, you can find officiants at various fees too. Like doctors and lawyers, officiants’ fees are based on their experience and ability to do the job well.

Couples pay for the perfect ceremony…the one that will touch their hearts, reflect who they are and make their guests feel welcome and included. For that to happen, they depend on an officiant’s organization and communication skills, ability to research and compose a beautiful ceremony, solid people skills, dependability, sound counsel, and ability to speak well in public.

(I won’t even start to compare the cost of the officiant with the price of the other elements in a wedding like flowers, food, venue, photographer, limos, makeup & hairdos, music and a hundred other details!)

No matter, to me it’s the greatest honor and the best job in the world, and I love every minute of it.

Think about it. You might spend a couple of hundred dollars more for the officiant you really like…the one that gives you a good vibe, the one you feel really comfortable with. Your wedding is perfect. You and your guests are moved by her personal words, written just for you. Everyone tells you it’s the most beautiful ceremony they ever heard. Your ceremony set the tone for the rest of the day.

But let’s say you don’t spend the money on the officiant you think is the best. After all the time, effort and expense you’ve put into making this day special, you’re taking the chance that the person you chose to marry you won’t call you back, can’t spell worth a lick, doesn’t know how to string two words together in a coherent sentence, gives you a canned ceremony, and just doesn’t do the job you deserve. Everyone walks away feeling cheated. Is it worth it?

Whatever you pay your officiant, you will likely get what you pay for, so interview several and choose wisely.

WRITING YOUR VOWS…OR NOT?

2007-08-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

When I became an officiant just about 10 years ago, I thought everyone would write their own vows. The truth is, less than 2% of the couples I’ve worked with wanted to write their own vows, and half of them wound up changing their minds.

I think everybody thinks that everybody else writes their own vows. They don’t. I’m telling you this in case you’ve been considering it, but are really busy, don’t have the time, aren’t a good poet (or even writer), don’t know what to say, or just plain have no interest in doing so, but feel a little guilty.

Don’t worry about it. There are millions of people out there who have said something you’d like to say, and if you can’t find them, your officiant should. But, if you’re thinking of giving this writing exercise a try, here are a few tips to make you sound eloquent and sincere as you stand before your beloved and all your guests:

Before you begin to write, eliminate the word “vow” and substitute the word “promise.” Vows are promises, but the word “vow” is intimidating. Now, it’s already a little easier, isn’t it…to say to your fiancé “I promise to love you forever? I will cry with you in joy and in sorrow, feel your emotions, and breathe every breath you take. I will let you watch all the Yankees games. I promise never to ask you to take me to the ballet. I will, work beside you to achieve what you wish, and be happy for all that you accomplish ….” You get the idea…

Next, don’t be afraid to seek out inspiration. If you don’t have any romantic books lying around, get on the internet and read, read, read! Find someone who expresses themselves the way you do and improvise. It doesn’t make it any less your vow just because someone else wrote it down first. If there is no author noted, don't worry about your English teacher accusing you of plagiarism.

Don’t try to be too fancy. Use plain old English. Make your promises clear and honest in the language you use every day.

Speak from the heart. You know you’re speaking from the heart if you tear up as you’re writing your promises.

Don’t go on forever. A few quality vows are better than a laundry list of mediocre statements.

Include something you’ve already told your beloved in your vows. For example, if you’ve said to him on occasion, “I don’t know how I’d live without you,” throw that in there. The familiarity will feel comfortable and real to him.

Don’t try to remember them without backup. Give them to the officiant to hold so she can follow along with you and prompt you if you forget.

Don’t read them at the ceremony. They’ll come out stilted and you won’t be able to look into your beloved’s eyes. Ask the officiant to quietly prompt you.

Don’t over-analyze and over-edit. Write from your soul; you want to sound like yourself, not a stranger.

If you're having a problem thinking of promises, ask yourself what you would like your life-long love to say to you. Chances are, they'd make pretty good vows.

For a little added excitement, don’t share them with anyone before the big day, most of all your spouse-to-be.

Don’t worry about it. NOBODY is going to pick on your vows. Everyone will be touched by their sincerity and realness, and your willingness to express yourself while the world is watching.

And if you don’t want to write them, don’t. I'll still sign your license and you’ll still be married at the end of the ceremony.

There are just some things....

2007-08-15T07:11:00.000-07:00

that I WON'T do. I know I shouldn't start something off like this with such a negative statement such as what I WON'T do, but I have to set the record straight. There are just SOME things I simply can't do for a wedding couple.

1. Dress up as a FAIRY GODMOTHER~or anything similarly embarrassing for a grown woman! (Glynda the "Good Witch" from"The Wizard of Oz" tops the list!)
2. Perform WICCAN RITUALS. (I am a Christian and I just don't believe in it at all. I won't compromise on this.)
3. Marry DRUNK folks! (It's just WRONG! If you can't hold it together for the most important day of your life, my services will be for naught. You won't remember it at all and likely be heading your separate ways shortly thereafter. Besides, it's ILLEGAL!)
4. Marry anyone UNDERAGE. (Check the laws of your state and abide by them. If you can't understand the necessity of these rules, then you're too young or stupid to be getting married!)
5. Marriage COUNSELING. (A marriage ceremony is the solemnization of a legal contract. I have been doing this for more than 10 years now and I find that most adults that seek me out have it in mind what they are capable of within the realms of their adult relationship. There is no need for ME to tell anyone how to relate to another. You're a grown up for goodness sake. I am qualified to advise on my own life and that of my children. If you need counseling, you don't need to be married.)
6. Break ANY LAWS with regard to the ceremony site, etc. (It will ruin your day and it's not worth risking my license.)

That's it for now. I'll add to this as life necessitates and as weddings occur. It never ceases to amaze me the things I am asked to do as an officiant. It seems that folks think that since I'm being paid, that I MUST abide by their demands. I am a very accommodating officiant. I work hard to please my couples. But I rarely compromise on my beliefs.

Is your robe religious?

2007-08-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

When I perform a wedding, I wear a robe and a stole. I have a cream colored robe with lace on the sleeves which I wear most often, and a black one that I use on request. I prefer the cream colored one actually.

I have been thinking of investing in other colors, but they cost a pretty penny, so that may happen somewhere down the line.

The stole is the long piece that goes around the back of my neck and hangs down in the front on both sides. Most of the stoles I wear are not religious. I prefer one that is multi-colored and looks like a tapestry. If a couple prefers a religious stole, I have a simple white one with a gold cross. It's an officiant's accessory.

Some couples ask if the robe itself has a religious meaning. The answer is no. Judges often wear robes to officiate secular weddings. Graduates wear robes as a sign of achievement and dignity.
The robe and stole signify that the wearer holds a position of some kind of authority....in the case of an officiant, the authority to legally marry two people. In my eyes, wearing a robe is a sign of respect for you and your guests. It adds just that touch of importance and a bit of tradition to even the most unique wedding without being stuffy or formal.

Although I would perform a wedding without wearing a robe if asked, I've only ever had one couple request that I do so. Their wedding was "black-tie/elegant" and they were both non-religious. If your officiant's appearance matters to you, it's important that you discuss it with him or her during your first conversation so that there are no surprises on your wedding day.

On my way to a ceremony

2007-08-14T14:47:00.001-07:00